Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
