why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
