my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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