I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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