Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
