I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
