Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
