i love accidental penises.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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