I should be sponsored by Trojan
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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