dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
