So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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