I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
