are you still at the devil's house?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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