i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
