someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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