Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
