TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
