Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
