I am in a vortex of obligation.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
In America we eat man semen.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
