Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize