cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
