Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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