thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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