U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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