why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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