I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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