My hand turned me down
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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