the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
