Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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