I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
