all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
