screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
