Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
there is puke in my bra ... again
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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