I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
