I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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