At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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