Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
