I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
