I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You ruined the universe
Randomize
