Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize