I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
