there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
