Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
