I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
