boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
