Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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