my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
