She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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