just tell him i said nine months
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
