I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
jump out the window naked night went bad
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