Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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