apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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