Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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