carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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