The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
