I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
